Adult Children Of Divorce --- Am I The Only One (at 50).

[adina510]

It's been six years since I noticed changes (during a visit) in my parent's relationship and tried to prepare for the divorce I knew was about to happen. After 40+ years I never thought I'd have to deal with my parents splitting up. I did a little research (online) and got that it was the same experience no matter what age the child(children) are. I also discovered that I would be unlikely to see my father again (after the divorce). When the divorce was final, my Dad moved to Texas - my family is in California, and I live in Colorado. The stable family I grew up with doesn't exist anymore.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? I'm constantly reminded of how lucky I am to have my parents at my age...so many of my friends have lost theirs.

[mslowrie]

I wasn't an adult, but I believe the shock and pain are the same no matter how old we are.

My parents divorced in 1972. But, whereas, Mom, my younger brothers, and I moved back up home to PA, Dad stayed in FL for a while before moving to NY. Dad and I were estranged for many years, and 11 months after we finally reconciled, he passed away.

That was in January 2016. It was hard enough not having my parents together and not having contact with my dad. Watching my 20-year-old son weep over the loss of a grandfather he never met and had only spoken to a few times felt so much worse. Dad, Ryan, and I were going to get together for Christmas, but Dad was in the 4th stage of Emphysema and had contracted pneumonia. So, he spent that Christmas in the hospital and died in a rehab three weeks later.

[JaneCares]

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@mslowrie wrote:

I wasn't an adult, but I believe the shock and pain are the same no matter how old we are.

My parents divorced in 1972. But, whereas, Mom, my younger brothers, and I moved back up home to PA, Dad stayed in FL for a while before moving to NY. Dad and I were estranged for many years, and 11 months after we finally reconciled, he passed away.

That was in January 2016. It was hard enough not having my parents together and not having contact with my dad. Watching my 20-year-old son weep over the loss of a grandfather he never met and had only spoken to a few times felt so much worse. Dad, Ryan, and I were going to get together for Christmas, but Dad was in the 4th stage of Emphysema and had contracted pneumonia. So, he spent that Christmas in the hospital and died in a rehab three weeks later.

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Hi Chelle,

People grieve all sorts of relationships in all sorts of ways. What strikes me most about what you wrote is the grief of your son. I imagine that you and your son talked about his grandfather, whom he never met, and regretted not having the chance to know and learn from. Did your son have a period of deep grief? Or did he cry just that once, releasing a dream that had been dashed, and he's more or less okay now? The reason i ask is that i too am a mom of a son (age 23) and a daughter (age 21). They never knew my mother. She died before they were born. The circumstances are very different: your son had the hope that he'd know his grandfather, and that was then dramatically not possible. I'm thinking this is a mothering opportunity, to talk about family, about estrangements and reconciliations, choices and regrets, forgiveness and hope for future love and better choices. 

Have you talked with him about this since your father died? I'd be curious to hear how he, and you, are both doing now. 

I'm so sorry that your time of connection was so brief. But it was longer than some folks get, obviously. 

Thank you so much for writing. What a rich story.

Jane

[adina510]

Wow! That is a lot to deal with. Just having to watch a person go through that is tough! I've done it and I'm glad I could be there and at the same time I didn't think I'd ever get over it,

[JaneCares]

I know you aren't the only one!

The family you've always known is now split, and exists in your memories. There are still 2 people you know and love; they're in separate states now. My guess is you'll begin a process of juggling: which one to spend Thanksgiving with, and then Christmas or Hanukah. Kinda like taking turns with your spouse's family, if you have a partner. Her/his family this year for July4th? Next year, your family reunion...

As an adult, you've got lots of relationships to juggle, including parental ones.

But i can guess that you feel a wee bit like an orphan now, even though the parental units are still very much alive.

It sounds very painful.

My parents are deceased. You do have yours on this planet still. Which isn't to say you don't have a right to feel bereft. You are bereft. And it will be a process to get through, adjust to, do the best you can with.

Good luck. And do tell us more of what you're experiencing here.

Jane 

[adina510]

Hello, I am lucky that both my parents are still alive. My father hasn't talked to me very much in the last twenty years, My mother talks to me more often after the divorce, I know she worried about what I would think about what she did. The security our family seemed to have almost evaporated, I told my mother that she should do what is right for her, She has pointed out again and again that this is the first time in her life that no one is telling her what to do! I remember that feeling, right after my first divorce, It really was nice to do whatever I wanted without having to consider anyone else, I miss talking to my dad and I miss the feeling of having parents that are still together, I know how hard my dad worked and all the effort my mom put into raising my brother and I, , , and as sad as I am that things have changed,,,,I am happy that they are both getting the chance to enjoy life,,,,as adults,,,,without children etc,

[EveRH]

When I first read the subject of this discussion, I thought it just referred to children of divorce who are now adults, rather than adults whose parents divorced later in life.

My parents split up when I was a baby, so I am an adult child of divorce, although not the way you intended.

Unless there was a problem with your relationship with your father, I don't see why you couldn't see him after the divorce, visiting between Colorado & Texas .. since you had to travel to California, when your parents were still together. If you're an adult, you can/have to create your own "stable family" now.

Divorce when children are already adults, has to be easier from the aspect that the children understand their parents' relationship better, and long-time tension that could have been developing between them. When you're an adult yourself, you can also be in contact & visit both parents, whether the other parent likes it or not .. or even if you choose not to tell them. As a child, if it's not joint custody, you have little/no control over your ability to be in contact with the non-custodial parent. If there are multiple children & they're split apart in custody terms, there's little any of them can do to see each other either.

[adina510]

My father and I were barely speaking before the divorce, We are "friends" on facebook, and he "likes" some of my posts from time to time, I guess not a whole lot has changed, I don't think he'll go out of his way to visit me, and I'm not sure he'd open the door if I tried to visit him, In some ways I interact with him more often now. I can be thankful for that.