Follow That Line: Hari Kondabolu

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[M]y father will ask me after the show how many people showed up…
'Eight hundred.'
'Oh, that's it?'
How is eight hundred not significant?
Then I remember that my parents are from India.
…'Oh, eight hundred people? Were you performing

I always get nervous when I perform in front of my parents… so the last time I performed for them, I walked out onstage and cut the stand-up and just took the LSAT.

It's important to start the show with a 9/11 joke so the audience knows

I think it's time that all airport security be done by Muslims and Sikh men, because

It was a delightful

I look like

I have very big features. If someone was to draw a caricature of me,

I was in a coffee shop with my friend Toby… and I'm talking really loudly 'cause

The person I get confused for the most is the Pakistani-American comedian Kumail Nanjiani… 'Look, I get it. We're both brown comedians. However, if you pay very close attention, you'll notice

She felt bad and I felt better, so

I write, 'In ten minutes, I'm going to read this [text] onstage, Mom.'
She's like, 'What do you mean?'
And I write,

A lot of the hate crimes are being committed by Trump supporters. And I know they're Trump supporters, 'cause after the hate crimes,

There's such a high bar to prove something is a hate crime, here. Like, 'Uh, is that a racial slur? Can you prove intent? Was there a video recording? Was there a white witness—y'know,

My mom sent me this text right before I got out onstage… 'Be safe, love. People are crazier than ever. Remember, this is just your job. It's just a way to make a living. It's like these people have permission to do terrible things to you.

That's another thing I got fact-checked for. Somebody comes up to me. He's like, 'All these racists aren't Nazis. Some of them are Nazis, Wheels of Aryan Nation, KKK, Proud Boys—'
Are you kidding me?

I hate the fact that we live in a time

'Mom, are you disappointed I didn't achieve more academically?'
She said, 'No, because

My mom has always supported gay [marriage] rights, but there was a time she was against gay adoption 'cause she said, 'You need a man and a woman to raise a child.'
I asked her about it recently and she no longer felt that way. …she said, 'I thought about it… and I realized that

[Abbreviated] 'List of reasons I was called gay in middle school: Because…

I would start a mango podcast if I could. It would just be me and famous Indian-Americans,

Why does the devil want you to make a contrarian argument about something? …That's not how you play devil's advocate.
This is how you play devil's advocate: …
'I think we should have universal healthcare.'
'You know, if you'd like to live forever,

Every time I did that, the crew would start laughing and we had to redo the whole scene. The director finally got p*ssed. She's like, 'Hari, this is a serious movie, okay?'
I'm like, 'Well, then

[on doing a movie scene with a 'real actor']
I was like, 'Oh, sh*t,

Race is made-up bullsh*t. Racism's real, the stuff that happens because of the made-up bullsh*t. Race is made-up bullsh*t. Think about it. 'I'm black. I'm Asian.

There used to be signs that said, 'No Irish. No blacks. No dogs.'
No DOGS! Do you know what that means?

If you think I'm talking about you, then

I don't give a f*ck how far we've come! I wasn't alive then. I'm not gonna be alive later.

You can't ask me where I'm from and

…so the white liberals in this coffee shop did what white liberals tend to do when there's a confrontation:

There's no time for symbolism!