Ian's Letter to LLLI

Update, May 2016: LLL changed its policy about the eligibility of Leader Applicants in 2014. Trevor became accredited as a Leader in May, 2016.

My partner wrote his own letter of support to the La Leche League International board:

Dear LLLI Board,

I am an LLL stakeholder. I am an “LLL Father” as defined in your Concept Policy Statements and my partner is an LLL member. These policies seem to fit me well. I support LLL, and I support my baby and partner’s breastfeeding dyad. These policies don’t need to change a bit in order to describe my role in our family.

Unfortunately, I see that these policies don’t fit a lot of people’s circumstances and cultures. They don’t fit my partner: he’s Trevor MacDonald, and he’s been breastfeeding our son for almost seventeen months.

As our son grows into toddlerhood, I watch as he comes back to the comfort and ease that breastfeeding brings. I cannot imagine anything else being so beneficial to him, and our dearest LLL friends are to be thanked. It was a difficult road to breastfeeding success. Trevor’s a devoted parent and I know his commitment makes him a skilful advocate of the art of breastfeeding. He was thrilled when he was asked to step forward and apply to be a volunteer Leader.

This sounds like a letter of recommendation and perhaps it is. Many have been skeptical of his motives, and have attacked what they imagine to be “our way of life”. Transgendered and gay people are excluded from the veneration of family life that is easily afforded to all others. Many people believe that GLBT people should have no reproductive rights to parent and raise children. Perhaps that is starting to change as more people recognize that GLBT people are not separate from humanity in general, in our activities and aspirations.

With that in mind, I am writing to request that you rewrite your policies so as not to exclude any breastfeeding family. Please allow Trevor and other GLBT people to participate in all levels of LLL.

Where we live, there is a human rights code that acknowledges gender identity and sexual orientation as protected characteristics. Would that were true in every nation. Although many human rights agencies have proposed this to the UN (in the Yogyakarta Principles), several nations are blocking this from being adopted. GLBT people are being routinely prosecuted, harassed, and killed in countries where LLL operates.

I am not asking LLLI to enter the fray and express an opinion about this worldwide struggle. However, I do believe that by emphasizing gender roles for parents, LLLI unwittingly facilitates discrimination against some breastfeeding families. This includes not only GLBT people, but also other cultural viewpoints and family circumstances.

I hope you will amend LLLI’s basic policy statements so as not to exclude any breastfeeding dyads and social situations. I urge LLLI affirm its support of breastfeeding without regard for any other defining characteristic.

Respectfully,
"Ian MacDonald"

One Step Forward For Human Rights

A momentous decision for transgender people has come out of Ontario today: the Ontario Human Rights Tribunal has ordered the provincial government to amend its legal requirement for sex designation change within 180 days. Currently, Ontario's Vital Statistics Act stipulates that a trans person must undergo sex reassignment surgery before his/her gender marker can be changed. The human rights tribunal declared this to be discriminatory.

Today's decision is huge for transgender people across the country, including myself. I transitioned from female to male by taking testosterone and having a chest surgery. I have a beard and my voice is deep - no stranger on the street would ever think that I am anything other than a regular guy. But since I have not had a complete ovariohysterectomy (or in veterinary language, a spaying), I am legally female. My driver's license has an F on it, and my passport blares FEMALE in giant print. When we applied for Jacob's birth certificate, we had to check off the "mother" box for me, and then we attached an essay in explanation.

Your birth certificate is the go-to document that must be used to apply for passports or to make changes to any other document. I am required to out myself as transgender every time I present my ID or other legal documents.

So why didn't I just get bottom surgery? Well, it is hugely expensive, rather risky, and involves a long recovery. And... I would not have the family I do now if I had removed my female organs. I live happily and comfortably as male, and what is between my legs is nobody's business besides my partner and my doctor.

Sometimes the discrepancy between my appearance and my documents is just an annoyance and a hassle, but in other situations it is a matter of personal safety. Two years ago Ian and I traveled to India and Nepal - every time I showed my passport to board a plane or even apply for a park pass, I worried that someone would notice the word FEMALE. In those countries, could I be harassed by police or customs officials? Could I be detained? Before we left for our trip, my doctor wrote me a note of explanation, and that's all we had to depend upon. Luckily, my fears were never realized and I am grateful.

It is my hope that the tribunal's decision will quickly help to change regulations in other provinces as well as at the federal level. I know I will breathe a great sigh of relief on the day when my legal documents finally match my gender identity. I look forward to being recognized by my government as my son's Dad.

Newborn Bliss All Over Again

A few days ago I enjoyed a most powerful deja vu with a teeny tiny baby. I can still see her little mouth gaping wide open searching for my nipple as she tries again and again to latch. Her hands make tight fists that press into my chest, pushing herself away from my nipple, and away from what she wants so desperately - the food source. Not having much, if any, breast tissue to accommodate her limbs, I gently move her arms out of the way to bring her lips in contact with my nipple. In hunger, she puts her finger in her mouth at the same time as my nipple. Again, I move her hand out of the way. Absolutely everything in her life is about wanting to suckle and swallow.

Lila doesn't care that I'm transgender - she just wants to breastfeed.

And then I feel her finally grab hold and not let go. The pull of her lips is strong and determined, yet precarious. I don't dare move my arms for fear of unlatching her. I hear her rhythmic, satisfied gulping and know that I am the centre of her universe. Nothing can distract her from her desire to breastfeed. She doesn't know or care that I'm a transgender guy using a supplemental nursing system and donated breast milk. I share in her bliss.

Then my back starts to ache from the stiffness of my pose. I look at the clock and see that forty-five minutes have gone by and she's only taken an ounce or two. Those newborns take forever to eat! She sleeps for a brief few minutes and then is ready to nurse yet again. Now I remember the sheer exhaustion of the early weeks. Still, my day spent with this seven-week-old was a gift.

My friend had called us around 10am that morning to say that she was feeling very ill. Ian picked her up and brought her to the hospital. He took her infant, Lila, and toddler, Samuel, to our home where I was entertaining a number of friends and their babies. It turned out that the poor sick mom had appendicitis and would spend that night and the following day in the hospital.

First we tried to bottlefeed our tiny charge, but she choked and gagged on the fast-flowing milk. Then my friend Emily attempted to finger-feed her with an SNS tube - sometimes it worked, other times the milk wouldn't flow at all.

In the afternoon, Ian walked Lila over to the hospital to be nursed by her mother in the emergency waiting room. He suggested that I could breastfed Lila the next time around, and my friend agreed. So, a few hours later, after a failed attempt at finger-feeding, I did what was easiest for everyone and nursed the babe.

Breastfeeding Lila was beautiful and joyful, and also brought up some anxiety for me. I have so little breast tissue that latching on a baby takes tremendous focus and determination from both parties involved. Today I am suddenly in awe of myself for having done it, day in, day out, and never, ever giving in to a single bottle feeding when Jacob was little. And I got a good reminder this week of WHY I did it: even with all my specific challenges, nursing was obviously a happier and more comforting experience to Lila, who surely must have been missing her mother.

My own Jacob is almost a year old, and I breastfeed him with ease. He crawls into my lap, pulls my usually open, button-down shirt out of the way, and latches on by himself whenever he wants. If he seems tired, or upset, or out of sorts, or even if I'm just sick of running after him and badly want to sit down for a few minutes, I get out the SNS and nurse him. I wish that more people knew about the pleasures of nursing an older baby or toddler. Gone is all that intensity and effort of feeding a newborn, and what is left, for us anyway, is a comforting, easy relationship.

After my friend received her diagnosis and a surgery was planned for later in the evening, her husband came over to pick up their kids. Lila was full and fast asleep, and Samuel, the toddler, grinned from ear to ear at the sight of his Dad. We were thanked profusely, but in all honesty I just about feel guilty: I got to nurse a precious, heart-melting seven-week-old baby and hang around with her sweet, surprisingly helpful toddling brother while their Mom was dealing with a ton of pain. I'm pretty sure I got the long end of the stick on that one.

He's Local

Sometimes I am pretty cavalier about my unusual family situation. I can find myself telling some stranger on the street, "oh, no, my partner is a man, my husband. I don't have a wife. I'm actually transgender. I birthed my baby myself, and I can even breastfeed him some. Great, isn't it?"

If I have plenty of time, and I feel safe, I'm pretty willing to explain what we've done. Most people respond very well, with mild curiosity or amusement. Sometimes though, it just isn't the right moment to get into explanations about how transgender folks give birth. One evening Jacob had just fallen asleep in a coffee shop and we needed to get going when somebody asked us if we used a surrogate. Neither Ian nor I like to lie about anything, so we kind of mumbled something confusing yet agreeable and walked away. "Ah, yes, isn't it wonderful that people can do that nowadays? Well, we have to go!"

On another occasion we were eating at our favourite restaurant in Winnipeg, a small, family-run Ethiopian joint downtown. We had our wedding dinner there, and we love the friendly staff. However, communication is a considerable challenge due to the language barrier. I thought I'd booked the dinner only to find out a week before our wedding that the restaurant had no record of the event. Luckily, they hadn't booked anything else either, so I simply booked again, this time in person. The actual day went well except for that there had been a misunderstanding over the number of guests, and there weren't enough chairs for everyone. Then the restaurant Momma forgot to include samosas on our bill and we didn't notice either. Weeks later, she mentioned it to us while her son pleaded with her to forget about it. We apologized and paid for what we'd had.

So, after all this, Ian and I both instinctively felt that there was no way we could successfully explain the origin of our child, even though I'm sure the well-meaning restaurant owner would have been delighted to hear all about it. She cooed over Jacob for a good five minutes. Then she asked, "So, you get him in Canada, then? Or international?"

She was assuming that Jacob was adopted. Ian responded quickly, saying, "yes, he is a local Winnipeg boy!"

The restaurant Momma approved heartily. "Very good, very good," she said. "Have a good night! See you again soon!"

I vowed that the next time I saw her son with his much better grasp of English, I'd explain everything to him and ask him to tell his mother in their language.

Lesbian parents get an A+

Recent research shows kids of lesbian moms are flourishing.

Now, when will they do a study on us fantastic transgendered birthing parents?!